Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconkalypher: More from Kalypher


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
August 10, 2011
File Size
970 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
539
Favourites
11 (who?)
Comments
43
Downloads
5
×
He likes to sail pirate ships on the waters of Mars,
but it's his secret, it's his secret.

Stardust tumbles, gleaming, from his perfect lips in erratic spirals
Falling up into the indigo sky and destined to swirl around the world
Their whispers are the dust particles of their souls burrowing themselves into the Earth
Or ashes, mere remnants settled decidedly to a hostile hearth
His breath is nearly perfect Mercury with drops of Saturn
(with a pleasant ring to it)
Their breath is dripping with mercury poison
vermillion seeping into their smokers' lungs.

His tears are sacred and his bargains are sly and he spins cerulean
straight into the Earth's sky.
Every precious second is occupied as he explodes, supernova, but they'll never know.
It's his secret, it's his secret.
Maybe he's just vain.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconagramuglia:
Critique by agramuglia Aug 14, 2012, 5:37:15 AM
I like it. Not perfect, but I like it.

Now, what this piece has really going for it is its imagery. It's exceedingly beautiful, on a cosmic, heavenly level. It would be very easy for this piece to just lose focus, and descend into a drabble about metaphor or beautiful stuff, but, in this case, you avoided that. This is the man's story, and nothing else.

Also, I like the image of a sailor--a pirate even--mixed with space. It gives me Treasure Planet flashbacks, so maybe that's why this piece feels so nostalgic. It feels like I've been here, the way you describe things and the person.

Now, this is flawed, but the flaws are fairly nitpicky. First off, I honestly don't know much about this man, despite how much you describe him. I know surface details, but what is he underneath? I can see him, but I can't feel him, if you know what I mean. The cosmic imagery can be used to describe who he is a lot more than you think. This poem would be better if you included another stanza about his wants, his likes, etc. The last stanza implies this was kept a secret, but I don't know if this feels more enigmatic or like a cop out.

Otherwise, I really like this poem. I look forward to seeing more of your stuff in the future. ^_^
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondefinitivecontent:
:icongimmefeedback:

I liked this quite a bit. you were thoughtful with word choice and it made this an engaging read. I enjoyed the way you worked all the references in. especially clever was the flip of Mercury and ; mercury. I love the title as well and it helped me get a grasp on the piece (at least what I think is a grasp, ha) so, the He referenced is the Sun, or just another nameless star? That's what I thought considering the title and last few lines ; If that is the case and I 'got it' you might consider adding a bit to the first part - just a line or two that helps bridge the concepts - I like idea of the pirate ships on Mars but I'm thinking the cognitive connection to the end conclusion could be stronger if what you're aiming for is the recursive slight of hand technique {where the opening re-enforces the ending, by coming back on itself } With all that said, I could be way off base too - but in part that is what draws me to poems like this where interpretation is so open-ended and everyone who reads it may take away different things. its something I do often as well.

Have you ever tried to get a poem published in a Sci-Fi magazine? I ask because there are several that accept poetry submissions - I've written a few with those kind of themes but have yet to send them to my favorite publications because I want to try and bungle them rather than sending in a single poem. If you haven't previously considered that avenue toward publishing look up Science Fiction / Fantasy periodicals : the website for Locus Magazine has a little directory of sorts if you are unfamiliar with the genre specific publications.

cheers for a job well done.
Reply
:iconkalypher:
Kalypher Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I have actually never tried to submit to a Sci-Fi magazine, and that sounds like a wonderful idea! C:
Reply
:icondefinitivecontent:
in that case. good luck!
Reply
:iconmaarel:
Maarel Dec 15, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow! awesome work! :love:
Reply
:iconkalypher:
Kalypher Dec 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your comment and favorite. :hug: You are lovely.
Reply
:iconfinishyourtea:
finishyourtea Oct 27, 2011  Student Writer
This is just...perfection. I haven't seen a piece this good in a long time. Brilliant job!
Reply
:iconkalypher:
Kalypher Oct 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you think so.
Reply
:iconkalypher:
Kalypher Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:meow: Well, thank you!
Reply
:iconspikings:
Spikings Oct 9, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Sounds like a turmoil of emotions that create the solar system. Also reminds me of Doctor Who, but that's just the geek inside me. :D I imagine a LOT of colours when reading this - I can't picture it literally, but that's not very possible with most poetry anyways. Very nice, makes me think of hope in a timeglass, slowly being lost.
Reply
Add a Comment: